Now that the silly (but oh so joyful) season is over, I can finally sit down and finish this blog entry...
Life changing. Two simple, yet such meaningful words. Life changing. It is how I would describe my first year of motherhood. I have wanted to become a mum since I was a little girl, and still to this day, I know it was my true calling in life. I can’t believe my first year of being a mum is over. It’s sad, relieving, unbelievable and overwhelming all in one.
This year the common question I have received is “how’s motherhood life?”. and I always give the same answer - “I love it”. That does not mean it hasn’t had its challenges. Bloody hell, motherhood, or just being a parent for that matter is challenging. You’re trying to take care of this tiny human being, which can’t really tell you anything and changes their behaviour all the time, all while still trying to keep sane and stop yourself looking like a zombie. But I think the biggest mistake - actually I don’t want to say mistake, as it’s not a mistake - so maybe where mums become stuck is they go into motherhood thinking their life isn’t going to change. That their life is still going to be butterflies and rainbows. That their baby will feed easily, that they will sleep all day and 12 hours at night. That there are no such things as sleep regressions or teething. That they will still be able to go out and do what they want while the baby sits there patiently. Well without trying to be rude, that’s whole lot of bullshit. Motherhood is not all rainbows and butterflies, but it is challenging and beautiful. After all, rainbows appear after a bit of rainfall.
Being a mum is the hardest, yet most rewarding job I have ever done. But you don’t get rewarded like other jobs, where you may get a pay rise, a promotion, some extra annual leave or even a thank you. You are rewarded by having that gorgeous little baby in your arms, and I think it’s so important that in between the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the tiredness and the feeling of being “useless”, mums need to remember that reward. I knew my life was going to change . I knew it would be hard. Do not go into motherhood with these ridiculously high expectations, because you will be disappointed. Believe me. Kaiden has been and is a fairly easy baby. I was lucky enough to breastfeed him until he was 11.5 months old, and he decided to wean himself off. He loves food, is a happy boy, and sleeps pretty well at night considering. However, my life has still changed. I no longer have all this time for myself, or for my husband, or my two beautiful dogs. I now have this little dependent who is definitely a mummy’s boy, and loves to hang around me like a bad smell. I feel very loved of course, though all my energy is given to Kaiden, along with trying to keep a tidy house and be a good house wife, so it's understandable I feel drained sometimes.
I have had to learn to prioritise things a lot more and multitask like you wouldn’t believe. I definitely am not the type of person who can sleep when the “baby sleeps” . I see that as an opportunity to get things done. I hate mess (even a pair of shoes left out bugs me), so I usually clean up things, prepare meals, wash clothes etc. I feel more accomplished then! Sometimes it has been hard knowing I have had to give up a few things for myself as I just don’t have the time these days, especially now with me feeling even more tired with this second pregnancy. Things like the gym and taking the dogs to the dog park were some of my favourite things. I will get those things back obviously, but right now I definitely have a new favourite hobby though, and that’s looking after Kaiden :)
Something that I have learnt during this whole thing is you are most likely going to lose friends. Not necessarily lose, but drift a part from or won’t see that often, and that can/has been upsetting. I think it’s because you and your friends may be on different paths. Maybe they don’t have kids yet, and therefore they are still going out and doing things, whereas I’m at home changing nappies and preparing baby food. It’s life and that's fine. You can't expect others to understand what parenthood is like until they actually become a parent, and some people are just more understanding than others. I have appreciated people visiting so much. It’s so nice to have friends and family visit, especially when I just haven’t had time to shower or make the bed. I can do those things while they entertain Kaiden. If you are a friend of someone who has a baby or is pregnant, don’t forget to call, or call in. Ensure to let your friend know they are still worthy although they are missing out on other outings/adult adventures. Give them the reminder they are doing a great job (sometimes we need it). Bring food over (it goes a lonnggg way), and when organising events, even if you know they won't come, ask anyway. We like to feel wanted, and we like to be invited. Heck, let's be honest, we probably won't go, but it's nice to be thought of. And if they do say yes, ask what time suits the baby. Kaiden is pretty easy with routine, but for some babies I know, they need to have their sleep at particular times otherwise they get too tired, and it makes it so hard for the mum to go out when they really want their child to sleep during that time! Those that aren’t parents yet will understand this literally the day your baby is born!
My first year as a mum also brought me my Mother’s group, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I took Kaiden to Mother’s Group when he was 6 weeks old, and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. It was a chance to talk to other mums (or dads) about our babies, what to expect, ask advice, or just discuss our feelings without feeling misunderstood. But most importantly, it gave me five wonderful mum friends who I have spent a lot of my time with this past year. We have exchanged advice, feelings, milestones, and everything in between. We have gone on coffee dates, joined swimming and gymnastics, had playgroup, and shopping days. On that note - it’s so important to go out, get out of your messy house, and go for coffee . Yes it may seem hard with a baby, but it’s worth it, and it’s actually easier when they are a newborn because they don’t need to eat human food nor complain for being in the high chair too long haha. You will feel better for just getting out of your pjs and making conversation with another adult - Yes, YOU!. The mum who has been in the same pjs for the last few days and hasn't showered yet - I'm talking to you. We have all been there! Mothers group isn’t for everyone, and I totally get that, but when you find people you can always talk to, then it’s totally worth it! So whether you have a mother's group or you just already have friends who are mums, hang out with them! Embrace every aspect of that Maternity leave.
One important thing to remember is, mums (and people who aren't mums) will judge. God, they will judge. And compare. And give advice, even when it's not wanted. I say 'mums' only because I don't find Dad's too judgemental. They are either really nice, or actually don't care that much haha. No, just kidding. They just don't overthink things like us women do. I could not imagine Shaun asking another Dad if their son or daughter is breastfed LOL. So continuing on, you will feel judged at least once during this year. It may be by another person, an article on the internet, or even just a television show, but you will feel it. Mums love to give other mums advice. They love to give mum-to-be's advice. They will tell you what to do and how you should be doing it, and if they aren't doing what you're doing, somehow you will be doing it wrong. Somehow you should be trying something else.
Judgement and comparing is very different to advice, remember that. People can offer very innocent advice; advice that is free from throwing stones. You will know the difference. I remember when Kaiden was a newborn (born in the middle of Summer btw), and a stranger came up to me saying he should be wearing socks, and although I knew Kaiden was a baby who sweat a lot, it still made me feel crap that someone would have the guts to tell me I was essentially doing the wrong thing by baby. I have learnt to not overthink what others think. I truly believe sometimes people will tell you all the good things about something they are doing just to convince themselves that it's the right choice, and it may be the right choice - for them - not for you and your baby. You do you, woman! Trust yourself and trust your instincts. Mums know best, and it's imperative to follow what you think is best. I have often been asked “how do you know what to do?” And the truth is, you just know. You do your reading, you ask around, but you also know your baby. It’s like when that baby arrives, your motherly instincts just kick in. Trust me, you will know. In the eyes of your child, no one does it better than you!
This year I have gained an even more appreciation for my own mum and have depended on her advice more than once. Your mum will love being asked advice, so it’s definitely not a burden on them! It makes them feel worthy too. I thank my mum everyday for everything she has done/does for us. I also want to thank those friends who have stuck around continuously. Those friends that ask how I’m feeling, that call even though I miss it, the friends who change plans so I can make it, the friends who want to hold Kaiden just so I can eat my lunch. THANK YOU! It has been twelve and a half wonderful months with our little man, and every day I feel blessed to have him. This year is going to be even busier with Bub number 2 due in May, so I’m sure my blog posts will fill you in then. I already know it will be even harder, but my heart will be even fuller.
For now, I’m going to leave you with this: “Motherhood is amazing. And then it’s really hard. And then it is incredible. And then it is everything in between. So, hold onto the good, breathe through the bad, and welcome the wildest and most wonderful ride of your life” - proud happy mumma
Sending love always,
Jessica xxx
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