When I fell pregnant I felt I was bombarded with questions - 'Are you finding out the gender?' 'Why aren't you finding out the gender?', 'Are you using pain relief?', 'Are you worried about labour?' etc etc. I felt as if there was some type of 'norm' that needed to be followed. I heard numerous birth stories, some that were great and some that were not so great. My husband, Shaun, and I had spoken about the type of birth we wanted to have and what requests we wanted to include in our birth plan. So many people told me not to have a plan, it's a waste, however, it gave me a peace of mind that I had choices and that Shaun was also aware of what I wanted. After attending our CalmBirth classes, reading various articles/documents, and having numerous meetings with our midwife, Shaun and I agreed that I wanted to try to have a natural birth, with no pain relief.
So after 41 weeks pregnant, D-Day finally arrived. On the morning of the 28th of December, 2018, I was booked in for a stretch and sweep. It had been so hot, my feet and hands were swollen, my back was killing me, and I was over getting up to pee one thousand times a night. I was so ready for this baby (aka bruiser) to come out. During the stretch and sweep, my midwife informed us that she could feel the baby's head, and that if she wanted to, she could have popped my water then and there. It was comforting to know that the head was down, and that hopefully that meant things would start moving a little bit faster in the sense of labour and contractions. We left the hospital around 10am, and straight away I was already feeling tightenings and 'period like' cramps in my stomach. I remember getting into the lift, telling Shaun my stomach was sore already. However, we had been told that the uterus can be a bit irritable after the procedure, and is not necessarily a sign of labour.
So time went by, we had come home. One of our dogs had cut her foot, so had to be taken to the vet (of course this had to happen on that day). I was still having the same pains, slightly worse than before, but I ate my lunch and continued with the day. By about 3:00pm, the pains were starting to increase, and were lasting that bit longer. By 4:30pm, I was having to really focus on my breathing. I started to time my contractions, with the hope that I was actually going into labour, and after two baths, a shower, and using the tens machine, I said to Shaun we needed to head to the hospital. Blacktown hospital is all of 7 minutes from our house, yet I felt we were in the car forever. Shaun was getting frustrated with every traffic light and every driver on the road (I think he was just as concerned as me). We arrived at hospital at 8:30pm. I was taken into the birthing room to be checked and I was 5cm dilated. Thank you!! I have never been so happy to hear the words 'congratulations, you're in established Labour' as you hear so many stories that they send women home due to not being dilated enough etc, and I honestly thought at times that I was just being a drama queen that couldn't handle the pain.
So time to start going through the motions of labour, and all the joyful sensations that go with it. Unfortunately I felt the urge to push pretty quickly due to the baby's position. This meant I was bearing down, when the head wasn't down enough. My midwife suggested going on the gas for a bit, just to control my breathing, until the head was down enough to push again. And so I did. Personally, it did nothing for the pain, only that I was able to focus on my breathing. My waters broke on the toilet (how convenient), and I had a bath and a shower throughout the contractions. At about midnight, I was definitely ready to give up. I remember thinking I couldn't do it anymore. It was late, I hadn't slept, I was exhausted, hot, and pretty much lost all of my energy to even stand up anymore. But Shaun kept me going, cheering me on as if I was Shaun Johnson playing for the Warriors (his favourite team), and my mum wiping my head with cool towels like she did when I was a sick as a child. On that note, a piece of advice - it was great having both my husband and mum by my side. They had different jobs, both of which were so important to my wellbeing. Yes, my mum has now seen me completely naked and vulnerable, and definitely would have had a good look at my lady bits, but life goes on - she's been there before.
At 1:50am, our gorgeous son was born. I gave birth to Kaiden standing up, and was able to pull him up from my legs to my chest. It was the most surreal and overwhelming experience that I have ever gone through. I remember howling, howling for Shaun, howling that it was over, howling that I actually did it, and howling that I now had a baby in my arms. We were all crying with joy, and were so caught up in the moment, that at least a minute went by before we even found out had a boy. He was just perfect, from his little button nose to his cute chubby bottom, he was everything to us, and we literally met him 30 seconds earlier. So many of our friends tried to explain the feeling when your son or daughter is born. They said you would just instantly fall in love, but couldn't explain the feeling exactly. And they were right. It's such a hard experience to explain, but it's definitely one that changes your life for the better.
And so, I got back on the bed to be checked. I had a second degree tear, nothing serious, so they stitched me up, ready for me to be sent back up to the maternity ward. However, that was the start of a VERY long journey, or maybe I should say recovery. I remember telling my mum I was in so much pain, and felt so much pressure 'down there'. Mum reassured me that with the stitches I was going to be in pain for a little while, but that everything would be fine. Me, feeling like I was a sook, tried hard to push through, however, I couldn't even sit on the wheelchair or lay on my bed in the ward. I was in so much pain that holding Kaiden seemed impossible. I remember crying in the bathroom, buzzing the nurses and midwives on the maternity ward, begging them to give me something to take away this pain. The doctors then came to check me, and their faces gave it away. They were concerned. They looked up from my legs, and instantly said 'you have a haematoma, and we need to get you to surgery straight away'. What that meant was I had torn an artery, however, my skin had been stitched up over the top of it, which resulted in the artery bleeding out underneath. This pretty much caused my 'lady area' to blow up like a balloon, but instead of with air, blood. I was literally bleeding out beneath my skin. So then came the morphine, and being prepped for surgery. What a whirlwind that was. I had one midwife helping me feed Kaiden, another prepping me with my gown etc, and another explaining the procedure to me; all while I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was now a mum, and just wanted to spend time with my husband and son.
So I was taken down to the surgical ward, and unfortunately due to eating prior, I needed to stay awake during the surgery. So they gave me a spinal, and off we went. What was meant to be a 45 minute procedure turned into 4 hours altogether (including time in recovery). It was a weird time, laying there, with 5+ surgeons head deep beneath my legs, moving in and out of consciousness (the morphine and spinal made me feel like I was on another planet). I just kept thinking about Kaiden and worrying that I would no longer be able to breastfeed due to being separated from him. I just wanted to be a mum. I ended up losing 1L of blood, which meant I required two blood transfusions and one iron infusion. What a journey that was. On the plus side, Kaiden slept through the whole thing, and was back on the boob like nothing happened! All up I spent just under a week in hospital, had numerous stitches, and was unable to walk or sit down properly for a good few weeks afterwards, not to mention the nerve pain that seemed to linger for a while. Shaun definitely saw me through my worse - through the blood (which was like a crime scene btw. I can't even explain the amount of blood), not being able to go to the bathroom on my own, helping me with showering, and changing my bloody sheets every day. What a man!
Fast forward to 12 weeks later, and I am finally feeling back to normal. It was a tough few weeks in the beginning, both emotionally and physically. It is hard enough trying to adjust to being a new mum and accepting your new body after ANY birth, let alone doing all of that plus dealing with your own issues/pains. I wasn't able to get out of bed the first few days due to having the spinal and zero energy, which meant Shaun had to change every nappy, and someone always had to be there to pass Kaiden to me.
I remember one time in the hospital, Shaun had gone home to feed our dogs, I had no other visitors, and the midwives were so busy on the ward, so I ended up asking the cleaner to pass Kaiden to me. I think that was definitely the hardest part of my recovery - not being able to be there for Kaiden the way I wanted to be. I felt like a crappy mum. A mum that couldn't even pick up her own child. A mum that felt like her body was destroyed. And a mum that felt left out of all the nappy changes and wraps being done in the early days. Emotionally, I definitely felt down. Now I change almost every single nappy, so I don't feel left out anymore haha. Our beautiful Kaiden is definitely all worth it though!
Labour is the only blind date where you know you will meet the love of your life. It truly amazes me how the female body works. We have the ability to grow this tiny human inside of us for 9 months, and then have the power to bring them into this world. Whether it's through a natural birth, a birth with helpful drugs, or a C-section, we are all super heroes! Birth is unique, and no experience is the same. Some are better than others, and some people would rather not speak about theirs, but as women, birth is our superpower, and we should embrace every aspect of that. So whether you're pregnant for the first time, or have had a traumatic birth experience, remember it's going to be ok. Go with a plan, and if the plan doesn't work, then just go with it. Your body will know what to do. It always does.
Sending love always,
xx Jessica
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